Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Openness to life does not guarantee having children
A while ago, I attended a friend's bridal shower. We played
that game where the shower planners ask the groom a series of questions about
the bride beforehand, and then at the shower the bride is asked the same
questions to see if their answers match or (usually for a laugh) don't.
Questions like, "What is the bride's least favorite chore?" and
"What was the bride's first pet?" and so on.
One of the questions was, "How many children does the
bride want to have?" At the shower, my friend answered without hesitation,
"As many as God gives us." I think the groom's answer was a specific
number, (maybe four?) so that got a laugh.
Fast forward: nine months after my friend got married, they
welcomed their son into the world. A big Catholic family was in the making.
The funny (ironic? sad? devastating?) thing is, that when I
was getting married almost four years ago, I answered that question exactly the
same way: "as many as God gives us." In fact, on one of the first
dates with my future husband, he asked me, "How many kids do you
want?" and I replied (blushing, and feeling slightly giddy at the thought
of us having kids together), "Enough to fill a church pew!"
And yet here we are, still childless. A family of two. I am
conscious of that heavy label every single day: infertile. Or, more biblically,
barren.
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| "relax baby" by Janine is licensed under C.C. by 2.0. |
We have been open to life our entire marriage, and so far the
number of children God wants to give us appears to be a big fat zero. (And by
"open to life," I mean what the Church means: that each and every
marital act is open to the possibility of conception and not closed off to that
possibility by means of contraception or sterilization, cf. Humanae
Vitae, no. 11.)
I could fill several books with moody, macabre reflections
about the experience of being infertile, about what it's like when children
don't come despite your strong desire and best efforts. But I'll spare you that
(for now).
What I'd like to share here is one truth that infertility has
hammered home for me, the title of this post: openness to life does not guarantee
having children.
Perhaps that seems so obvious as to be banal. Of course not
every procreative act results in actual procreation; basic biology tells us
that. And yet there are many days when it seems to me like this fact is not
obvious at all.
For example: at large Catholic events when a speaker is
introduced and the crowd gasps and cheers at the fact that he has ten children.
Of course we should celebrate the gift of life and the generosity of large
families. But would people cheer for us, just as open to life, although with
nothing (visible) to show for it?
Or another example: I have read articles or been part of conversations that implicitly, or quite explicitly, blame everything from demographic winter to the closing of Catholic schools to the growing use of immoral reproductive technology on childless couples or small families, without the qualification that not all of them chose not to have a(nother) child. I would very much like to bump up the birthrate!
In short, it seems from my (emotionally biased, yes) vantage
point that even within the Church many forget that having children is not first
something a couple wills or does, such that they can take credit for
procreation or deserve blame for its absence. Having children is not, first, a
choice, a box to check "yes" or "no". If only it were that
simple! Rather, having children is something that a couple receives through no
merit of their own but simply because our God is abundantly generous and has
inscribed in our bodies the awesome power to participate in the very act of
creation.
In other words, children are a gift. They are gratuitously,
mysteriously given, and sometimes, even more mysteriously, not given.
Only God knows whether my friend and her husband will
conceive easily again (and again); only God knows whether my husband and I will
live our entire marriage as a family or two, or whether we will be blessed with
children through conception or adoption. But what I do know, what the
experience of infertility has taught me through an often painful valley of
tears, is that life is not at our command nor something we can take credit for.
We will remain open to life in obedience to God and the truth of our bodies and
marriage. As for having a church pew full of children, well, we'll welcome as
many as God gives us.
The author is a graduate of the John Paul II Institute.
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I'm right there with you, 10 years married and still a family of two. I wrote something similar to your thoughts in a blog post a few years back (http://www.thefemininegift.org/2012/08/of-fruitfulness-and-infertility.html) and still love the quote I found from Josemaria Escriva: "God in his providence has two ways of blessing marriage: one by giving them children, and the other, sometimes, because he loves them so much, by not giving them children. I don't know which is the better blessing. In any event, let one accept his own."
ReplyDeleteMay you accept your own as I try and accept mine.
Family of two here as well...and it's a difficult journey staying (and remaining) open when you struggle with infertility. Your words were so poignant when you wrote "We have been open to life our entire marriage, and so far the number of children God wants to give us appears to be a big fat zero." Don't all the families of two dreaming of children feel that way? It really tugs at my heart the way you wrote it though. Well done in articulating something I struggle to find words for...
ReplyDeleteI wrote a post a while back about the comparison of the big Catholic family vs. the families of two and what is innately "good" (you can read it HERE). Love that you mentioned this concept, because it's so true that a couple never gets the public recognition (even within the pro-life circles!) that other families do. It's not about recognition, we all know that. But at the root of our yearning...we all kinda know that our families are to serve a bigger purpose. As the catechism states, it's for the good of the spouses too (and isn't that part even mentioned FIRST?!).
Thank you for this beautiful post! <3